Alternate Reality: The Bachelor

Wow. WOW.

So this week's Bachelor was a train wreck DELUXE! It was so chocked full of moments that are screaming for commentary that I actually had to get out a pad and pen so I could keep track of all the crazy. Chocked FULL! There's so much that I'm not even sure where to start, so I'm just going to dive in and warn you now that this is gonna be a long one.

The Singing.
It's always interesting to see what's going to happen in these moments, and future bachelor and bachelorettes should just take note--if you take yourself too seriously, you're not going to win the date. Stephanie with the operetta. In hot pink hot pants with the side pony tail, way too much bling, and a little bare midriff. So, so bad. And Lauren, you missed the point. When you are so certain of your victory it usually means the only thing certain is your defeat. Humility is hot. (Maybe we can chip in a get her a t-shirt with that on it?)

The Group Date.
There's always drama on these dates, but this was so over the top. All the "stage kissing" in front of each other didn't do anything to ease the tension, but I did enjoy the expressions from the other girls as they watched each other mug down. I thought they were going to need a real doctor after Megan mauled Jason in their scene. And Melissa could have poked an eye out with that pouf. Our little watch group had to pause it so we could try to figure out the physics of that ponytail. We were unsuccessful.

Once they moved to the "wrap party" it just got worse and the real soap opera began. All the crying! I might have felt sorry for Jason but I think he amped it up with his sleepover with Molly the night before. I'm a single woman out there in the dating game. I can assure you that if I went out with someone and knew he'd spent the night with someone else and woke up that morning to go out with me, I might, well, be feeling a little drama myself. Then again, I wouldn't be on a date with other women at the same time...hmmm...OK...I digress.

Rising to the top of the heap...Lauren with the ultimatum. Seriously?? Single friends--please tell me you know this approach never works. Couldn't you just see it on his face as hie imagined, uh, being "dominated" for the rest of his life? Not pretty. Melissa with the shorts--another point where we had to pause and inspect to figure out what was going on. We decided that they were spandex-ish workout-ish shorts. Not a fashion trend that I'm gonna be getting on board with anytime soon! If you have insight on what she was wearing, please post it in the comments section!

And finally on this date: The. MOST. AWKWARD. Bachelor. Moment. EVER. Poor, poor, crazy, stalker, Shannon. I laughed so hard I cried. But let me assure you that I did not end up with the oh so unattractive snot face that she was sporting. The "I won't let you leave me" stalker revelation followed by the nose blowing/picking followed by that attempt at the kiss. Classic. Really one of the best Bachelor moments ever. Chris Harrison says it best on his blog, " Don't blow your nose, pick it, and then go in for a kiss. And if you do, don't be so shocked when the other person rejects you." Yeah. Enough said. (BTW...Chris Harrison rocks, as does his blog with the weekly behind the scenes scoop).

The 2 on 1 Date.
I'll be brief here. I just need to say that while Stephanie seems like a perfectly lovely person, her mannerisms are that of a 45-50 year old (no offense to the many fabulous women I know in this age range...who act much younger and hipper than Stephanie does). I did feel bad for Nikki here. And I hope that she seeks some counseling because it's tough times for her and she's clearly not over that last break-up. Stephanie's face when Jason chose her was painfully smug. I'm only glad she's still around because I get so tickled by Laura's reaction every time Stephanie says "My man". Which is A LOT.

The Rest of It.
I'm giving Jason props for not giving out all the roses. He did manage to lower the crazy factor before he takes them home next week. And speaking of the crazy factor...Shannon, Shannon, Shannon. Sigh. Really?? Did you notice that in each frame of this episode she managed to look more like a crazy bag lady? Topped off with the macrame mu mu. Really. Not. Good. But, bless her for giving us the MOST AWESOME moment in all of Bachelor history. Her exit interview and those final last words, "I'm going to go home, get my electric toothbrush and give my puppy french kisses."

Let's just hope she wiped the snot off first.