Ante Up

A year ago I thought I was the happiest I had ever been. I was madly in love with a guy I thought was “the one” and after a long time of waiting to find Prince Charming I thought everything was falling into place and it was all going to happen. Finally. All those things I wanted so much—passionate love, a great marriage, kiddos—would move from being things I dreamt about and become my daily life.

Yeah. Well. It clearly didn’t pan out that way.

Literally overnight we went from talking about marriage and dreaming about our future together to him telling me that this was over. In a word? Blindsided. In another word, devastated.

I’ll spare you all the messy details and just say that those were some dark days that followed.

But now it’s been almost a year, and you know what? I can honestly say that I’m happier right now than I have ever been. WOW. I did NOT see that coming. (And this is the kind of blindsided that I can get on board with.)

The thing is, I finally figured something out. It’s a funny thing to be 36 and single. It’s a state of being that most of world can’t relate to, and—most of the time—doesn’t quite know what to do with. Those of us in this life stage are often “other.” And I’ve spent a lot of time waiting and wanting to escape this category and fall into some idea of life that qualifies as “ordinary.”

And I regret to say that in my case, that waiting equated to mostly going through the motions while wishing I’d been dealt a different hand. Um, what’s that all about? What a waste of perfectly wonderful life. An extraordinary one, even.

And so at some point—without even realizing it, really—I got in the game and started to play the cards I’ve been dealt. And you know what? It’s a pretty fabulous hand.

I see it all around me—people who are stuck thinking about how green that grass looks on the other side of the fence. And it’s not just the single set. It always throws me for a loop when I hear people who have all things I think I want complain about their husbands or constantly tell me how their kids frustrate and exhaust them and rarely choose to focus on the light and love and joy that they bring.

It seems to me that we each have dozens of choices to make every day. And among the biggest of those is choosing how we’re going to look at this crazy little thing called life. I still hope that someday I’ll have the chance to be a wife and mom--and if I get that hand I’ll do all I can to play it well. But those aren’t the cards I’m holding right now.

And there’s no way I’m going to fold and go home.

What choices are you making today?

Me? I’m ALL IN.

The Final Milestone

Guess what I wore Monday?

For, like, 13 hours, even.

Yep.

They might not be a pair of my favorite pointy-toe stillettos, but I feel like we're on the cusp of those and I'm willing to claim this as victory recovery.

My closet and I are so pleased.

Heavenly Day

Oh my. You know those days that are just seemingly perfect? This has been one of those days.

I get to work from home most Wednesdays--a huge treat given my awful commute the other days. I went out for a walk before I started working and couldn't believe how GORGEOUS it was. I got home to learn that my coffee pot went kaput and immediately walked back out the door to visit the nice folks at Starbucks.

(I don't care how energized a brisk walk can make me, I'm not getting through the work day without a good, healthy dose of the caffeine. And how lucky am I that Starbucks lives a mere five minute walk from my front door?!)

Anyway, it was SO spectacular when I was out and about that I decided I couldn't possibly spend the day inside. Welcome to my office:

Simply. Lovely.

(Even if it did make me realize that I'm going to have to go ahead and replace my lawn service. And I really need to stop putting off working in the flowerbeds.)

There's a Patty Griffin song that I love called "Heavenly Day." It is officially the title track to this post, and the soundtrack for May 20, 2009.

While my perfect day would certainly not include working, this is absolutely the perfect way to work!

Spring Cleaning

Yesterday was a lovely, rainy Saturday in Austin. Usually I want my Saturdays to be sunny and clear so I can go out and enjoy all that this beautiful city has to serve up for outdoor fun and adventure. Yesterday, though, my agenda included something I completely dread: spring cleaning.

I guess "spring cleaning" implies that it's an annual event. Well...maybe not so much at my house. I like things clean and neat, it's not that, it's just that I have a little bit of a problem with accumulating crap stuff that I don't really need and sticking it in odd places, so I end up with all that random stuff crammed into various nooks and crannies.

Hmmm...why am I admitting this to y'all?

Anyway, I apparently have a hard time getting rid of things and the evidence eventually overwhelms me and I have to just tear the place apart, purge, clean and then put it all back together again.

Tackling my bathroom cabinets was my agenda for the day and I so wish I'd thought to take a picture of my bathroom floor when I was midway through. (Hmmm...is it weird that I wish I had a picture of my messy bathroom? Maybe it's a good sign that I didn't take one.)

The mess I made and the collection of products I dragged out? Impressive. Well, impressive in crazy bag lady kind of way. Am I the only one who can't throw out any sort of product unless it's completely used up?? I'm talking about the gagillion hair/skin products that I buy, don't like or retire and yet hold on to for, apparently, decades. I mean, how many loofahs does a gal need? Second only to the slew of facial "toners" and scented lotions that I've managed to accumulate. Please...comment and tell me if you do this, too. We can form a support group.

It took much longer than I expected, but I finally got through it. I'm embarrassed to admit that I ended up with two trash bags full of crap trash! Whew.

The process has me thinking about other things--those that aren't tangible--that I might be holding on to. Expectations, fears, dreams, relationships, and ideas that I've crammed into the nooks and crannies of my heart and mind that are just cluttering things up. Things that I hold on to just because I think that someday I might actually have the perfect occasion to drag out and "wear". Things that, like all those eye creams I never used, need to be tossed to the curb.

When I finished up my bathroom I was so pooped (uh, no pun intended!) that I rushed through my weekly cleaning by vacuuming around the edges of the other piles that I haven't dealt with yet.

And I'm OK with that. I'll save that for another rainy day. My "internal" spring cleaning? That will just have to be a work in progress.