Here We Go Again...

Whew—what a rollercoaster this journey to parenthood is. As we were still licking our wounds and coming to terms with the loss of our sweet Beanie, we learned that we are expecting again. When we saw that second pink line we were excited, terrified, hopeful, terrified, cautious—and did I mention terrified??


Being pregnant after a loss (or PgAL in the loss circles) is a very complicated and overwhelming place emotionally and I was wholly unprepared for what was about to overcome me. In an instant I would feel the clash of joy and grief, hope and sorrow, anticipation and guilt. More than once I found myself crying happy tears for this baby that suddenly became an ugly cry of guilt and sorrow for the baby we lost. It was, um, an interesting place to be (and I’m sure my sweet husband was thrilled about living with someone whose emotions could turn on a dime).

Just a Bacon Bit at 5w3d

Because of our history and my age we got the Cadillac treatment with the doctors and we got our first glimpse of “Baby Bacon” at 5.5 weeks. Still too early to see much of anything, but we had the assurance that there was growth in the right place and development was on track. We went back two weeks later and had one of those life changing moments—this time we got to hear the sweetest little heart just beating away. Cue more tears, this time filled with happiness and relief.

Getting bigger! 7w3d

But when you’re PgAL, the relief is fleeting and you immediately begin to worry again. Beanie was “older” than that when we lost him, after all, so presumably if we’d had the same two appointments with him we would have heard his little heart before it stopped. I think the following 10 days while we waited for the next appointment and passed the time that little Beanie stopped growing were the hardest. Not knowing if Bacon was still OK in there or if we’d go back at 9wks and experience the same horror that we’d been through just a few months earlier.

During that time I think I might have prayed harder than ever before. With Beanie I knew something was wrong. It didn’t take away from the pain of the moment when we realized our fears were coming true, but it did do something to help prepare me for what was about to happen. I think that was a gift from God and I’m thankful that he was gently getting me ready for what was about to happen. I prayed for the same thing this time around—to either have peace and know that the baby would be OK, or if something was going to go wrong again, to have that feeling in my gut to help us prepare. In this midst of my anxiety, I did feel at peace and I chose to believe that God would be faithful again in preparing my heart for the appointment.

OK…I’ve already written a novel. I’ll tell the rest of the story in the next post. (Don't worry, you already know how it turns out.)